Author: me, Jana S. G.
Pairing: Kristian/Lauri, POV Kristian.
Disclaimer: the caracters belong to themselves, and as every slash-writer, I must believe that they belong to each other
Summary: Kristian's reflexions about the feelings
Notes: Originally written in Russian and posted in the slash community the 5th March 2007.
Inspired by the melancoly weather of a late winter and probably one of those vids http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjNxhaddX
Amadeus tonight. Again. Don’t wanna get drunk once more, just to escape the reality. The awareness of being totally helpless drives me mad, gradually and inevitably. How more do I need for not to come to my senses? Nothing helps me now. Had an attack yesterday, one of these constant fits of anger. They make me sick just as everything else around…
All right, it’s all for the better… I dunno… I can’t be alone. I can’t. Where are you?
You’re probably trying to entertain yourself by another silly broadcast on TV. Is it better that it’s the way we used to spend our time together? Maybe… Everything turned into an Utopia long ago. You got tired of it, I know. And at the same time I refused to understand. I miss something, well somebody. So badly. And most likely you. The man you used to be. And had there ever existed what I call a ‘former you’? I begin to confuse the lie and the truth. Am I still alive or simply dreaming? My morbid mind is not ready to realize. Realize what’s happening. I don’t wanna become aware of my vain existence here. And what is it for now?
If I could change anything… I would have behaved otherwise; I wouldn’t have let you go so easily. But I didn’t act like I should have done. To retain you… I could. And you didn’t want to go away, I know. But now it doesn’t matter. I’ll get drunk. I won’t care about tomorrow, if that tomorrow will ever come. I’m so used to live for the moment now and not thinking about the future. It’s easier and doesn’t hurt that much.
I don’t wanna throw off the mask of permanent self-confidence and complete indifference. I’m so tired. Of everything… Of that general increased attention, worthless idle talks, my exhausting work. Although, without work I would totally perish. It’s the only thing that supports me and keeps from fading myself.
This ring… Lips began to swell up cause of it. For how long have I been wearing it? Fuck it! It’s high time to pull it out. Just now…it’s not that easy. Hurts. How odd. I so distinctly remember the last vivid feeling of pain. But I wanted it myself then. It was unforgettable. Our last time... I remember everything to the tiniest details. How I want to it to come back! Since the moment you left I even feel no lust, thoughts are always somewhere far away, or I am too exhausted. I don’t want anyone to touch me but you. I wonder at myself, I’ve never been like this before.
Well, it’s a lot better without a ring. Or rather more comfortable. But odd. Nobody will notice anyway…Eyes…Where is my beautician? Let’s do a couple of touches…
Hey, it’s better! I look like a whore. Paradoxically, but it’s pleasant for me to realize. I wanna look as artificially as possible to hide everything inside. Something special is to happen tonight, I feel it. Did I forget anything? Oh yes, my guitar. Ok. I am going out. It will be a miracle if I come back home today.
Finally! How long it takes to get to the place… Everybody is already here, waiting only for me. And again I see bewilderment mixed with delight in people’s eyes. Yeah, I’m fucking amazing and my defiant outfit can’t leave anyone indifferent. So, what are we playing tonight? HIM? Funny, haven’t played it for a long while… Sitting down on the bench, trying to concentrate. What a fuss here! Again, those flashes. Feeling of a permanent déjà-vu. As if people never left the place. Or do they have a duty to be here? That one, I’ve signed her stuff at least 5 times. I even remember her name. Minna. She considers herself special. She probably is, but only because she categorically refuses to understand in what silly way she acts. Is it really that hard to grasp that it’s impossible to take someone seriously who is so predictable? Now she’ll come to me another time… Exactly! How it is all familiar! Strained smile… For Minna with <3…This time signed as Sir G . Not that banal, at least. Though, who cares?
What else do we have on the list? Damn, too little whiskey! Some more, the main thing is to order some more… How nice, the process seems to have started. A pleasant sensation of weakness throughout the body. The alcohol is spreading slowly, running through the veins, in every cell and gradually freeing the mind. The essential is to go on devouring that saving liquid. It’s the only thing that can give me such a joy… The entire happiness, after all! Pretended, to be honest, but I don’t give a damn, ‘cause it feels good right now.
Hmm, that girl is quite pretty… So, let’s have fun, babe! Gotta approach her, or is she with a guy? Fuck, I can hardly stand on my feet… Okay, almost… Now, who’s your boyfriend? Let’s find out. You? Noooo…? Am I too drunk or am I dreaming? What are youdoing here? Or is it a punishment from above? It’s already too late, you’ve noticed me. Fear in your eyes… but why? I didn’t expect to see you here. Not today. Not this moment. Well, but I’m deadly drunk and I don’t care.
-How are the things, Lauri? -I’m trying to ask as confidently as possible. It turns out stupidly.
-Everything is okay, just excellent, Kristian. How are you? -You’re asking with indifference.
-Perfect, -I am lying.
You don’t trust me; I see it in your eyes. I don’t believe you either. I’m turning around to go back to play. Just not to look at your direction, just not to look. I won’t bear your gaze. I don’t see it, but can imagine how you are talking with her; you’re answering mechanically, staring into somewhere nowhere, as you often do. She is beautiful, but she suffers, too; because you will leave her soon.
But it’s not really my business …
A waitress approaches me. What is it? Ah well, I’ve ordered some more whiskey, probably. Have I? A glass with a note? From you… Haven’t opened it yet, but I already predict. How smart of you, now we’re going to be in correspondence instead of communicating normally. Taking into consideration how painful that is for the two of us, it’s not the worst way out. What have you written? To open? To have a look? Or to leave things where they are? I’m carefully unfolding the piece of paper. From your notebook. And certainly, it’s your handwriting. I had no doubts. I’m reading your 7 words: “Waiting for you outside. It is urgent.”
Lauri, you can always plainly ruin my plans. I didn’t intend to leave this place so early. But for some reason I always forget everything when it comes to you. I clearly see that I won’t hear anything pleasant, but I can’t ignore you. I’m getting ready and walk away; haven’t warned anyone. It doesn’t matter. In any case a 1-minute talk with you is more important than all these many-hours of fuss.
Go outdoors. How warm it is! Nothing strange, though; it is July after all. But for some reason it is unusually warm. You’re already waiting for me. For how long? I am late as usual or does it simply seem so?
-Let’s go for a walk?-You suggest.
-As you wish, -I answer.
We’re walking in silence, I’m going where you guide me. Nice that the town is quite small, otherwise I dunno where I could find myself tonight in such a state. It’s strange, but I start feeling indifferent to everything that happens around, including you. But I’ll feel better at home. I know…There’s something left and it will be enough. For today, at least. And again I’ll wake up after lunch. But I don’t need to hurry anywhere, because I’m alone…
Reflections are suddenly cut short.
The entrance of our former flat, now only mine. We go up to the 4th floor, as before. But now it’s different, different from what it used to be. We are not ‘we’ anymore; it’s you, Lauri and me, Kristian. I hate to be called so. But you are allowed to, even now. I open the door with my key, absentmindedly. We come in. I hardly manage to close the door before you press me against it.
You… Your eyes… Lips. How I’ve missed all this. An eternity has passed since you left, it seems. Ooh, what are you doing? Lauri, hell, you know…Nooo…the sudden excitement instantly sweeps over me, and I have no time to realize that my cock is already stirring.
You’re kissing me, lips only, long, without pulling over. Without you even my own lips became strange to me, there’s even no more ring. You’re running your tongue over my lips, suck in so much that it hurts. I know there will be marks soon. I want to kiss you deeper, to breathe into you all the passion that burns me out inside. Trying to part your tightly closed lips. But you don’t allow me, and it drives me insane even more… Only a kiss? But you give me more. You’re pressing your flesh against me and I feel through the fabric of your pants that you want me, too. What are you waiting for? I’m already burning.
-Take your clothes off, -You ask calmly.
-Undress me, I want you to do it, -I manage to say.
You obey. You’re tearing my jeans off first, then the shirt. I’m undressing you at the same time and finally we’re both naked. What are you going to do? Oh yes, I’m already feeling… ready to die. I can’t contain myself anymore. I touch your hair with both hands… So soft… My fingers are drowning in your curls; rings are caught into them… Does it hurt? Oh, no, I’m unable to think…
-Faster, Lauri, some more, - I’m begging, almost starting to cry.
You’re doing what you have been asked…I shiver, it becomes stronger every moment. I feel I’m close… Once more…Some thrusts... My hips are moving unconsciously. One second, two….The current seems to hit me and next moment I hear myself crying your name. Lauri… How amazing it feels. And this sensation is so different from climaxing from masturbation, by means of all my own imagination’s efforts. It is different. Psychologically, perhaps. And it incredibly draws together. Simply unbelievably…You’re rising to your feet. I reach out to kiss you. My taste on your lips… Indescribably.
I don’t even manage to tell you what I’ve wanted for a long time when you ask me to give you something to put on. I take out of the wardrobe our favourite Turkish caftans. Yours, the greenly one and mine, striped dark blue. You haven’t taken yours away, how fun! Arrayed ourselves in those clothes, we’re walking into the kitchen. I’m thinking to myself, how do you have patience? Only 5 minutes ago I felt your erection through the fabric of your trousers. But you seem to have a good control over yourself.
-Kris, make me some coffee, please. Black, without sugar, as always, -You ask.
I’m moving away to the cupboard to take out a coffee tin from the shelf. Living alone, I’ve almost stopped to drink it, not to mention to make it. Begin to pour coffee in your cup. Oh, what is this? Your hand on my chest, under the caftan. Fingers driving me insane. Quick movements. Unexpectedly I feel you lifting my caftan’s hem. You’re whispering me in the ear “Bend a bit, dear, and part your legs a little, I’ll be very careful, I promise.” You’ re kissing my neck. I want you again, so badly that I’m ready for everything… To feel you inside… Such sweet nagging pain… One thought about it is getting me excited. You’re hesitating. I can only surmise what’s happening. You’re taking a jar and a condom from the left pocket, I have never removed it. I imagine how pleasurable for you it is to touch your own flesh now. Already feeling you closer. Trying to relax. You’re entering carefully, little by little, holding me with your free hand. For lack of habit it hurts, but you’re caressing my thigh so lovingly, and I know everything is alright. Trying to think about your sensations, to imagine the pleasure you feel, comparing to mine. I’m distracted, and you’ve already filled me. I’m throwing my hands back to touch you. Your muscles are so tensed; it turns me on to no end. I find your hand and place it to my lower body.
Lauri, you know what to do. Losing my mind again. Harder, Lauri, I cry. Your moans. My ears are ringing because of all this. A couple of seconds and you come inside of me. I climax a moment later. How hot. Your wet hair. Bliss. You turn around, kiss me. Take my palm, a weightless touch of warm lips.
-Let’s go to bed, sweetheart, -you’re saying in a tired voice.
We’re approaching the big double bed. Our bed, where I’ve slept alone all these times. And now with you again. You get me rid of the caftan, take off yours. We are lying together in these sheets; you all nestled up to me, I feel like I’m in heaven. How long I have missed our intimacy.
-Forgive me, I love you, more than anything,-You whisper.
-Me too, Lauri. I’m so happy… -I kiss you tenderly, and in a few seconds, I feel your steady pulse and heartbeat.
Have I ever thought I could feel like this? Here, with you, only with you. Always. And whatever happens I won’t forget the feeling. I know you’ll be gone in the morning. Asking myself mentally, will you ever come back to be mine forever? And it seems that I hear you answering me in my dream.
“Maybe... One day…”